If you are someone who surfs the internet or strolls the aisles of Barnes & Noble, you know that there are dozens upon dozens of websites and books available to help grieving individuals cope with their feelings through the holidays.  That’s why today I would like to talk with the rest of you ~ the friends and neighbors and co-workers of the grieving ones.   I’d like to talk with all of you about what you can do to help.

My first suggestion is:   just listen.  If the person is open about their feelings, let them talk.  A sympathetic look, a nod of the head or a gentle touch on the shoulder will go a long way.   And while you may believe that sharing your own experience with grief will make the person feel better, it probably will not; and might have the opposite affect.  Instead, consider asking a thoughtful question or offer a gentle reminder that what they are feeling is a natural part of the process.  Depending on the situation, you might take a more light- hearted approach.  Work with whatever demonstrates that you recognize their grief and you offer your support.

On the other hand, not everyone is willing to express their pain, but we can usually see that it’s there just the same.  My second suggestion is that if you find yourself worrying about the neighbor who insists that they are okay, all the while looking like they haven’t slept in a week, don’t hesitate to extend some honest concern.  Even though people don’t always want to bring up the subject, they are often relieved when someone else does.   That’s not to say that you should insist they admit their feelings, but start by admitting yours.  You are concerned.  You do not wish to see them struggling.  You want to help…to do the right thing; but you aren’t sure what that is.   Don’t be surprised if the response you get is a highly emotional one.  Sometimes people just need that nudge – that implied permission to let go of their feelings.   It is also entirely possible your sincerity will be met with feigned agreement, quickly dismissed by the urgent need to confirm the week’s weather report.   If that happens, don’t push.  You have put an offer on the table to help.  They will accept it when they are ready to.

Having someone to share our feelings with is extremely valuable.   Remember that the person you are trying to help has lost that someone.    So you may find that there are times when the best thing you can do is not to focus on helping them with their grief, but rather help them focus on celebrating the season ~ help them to recall happy memories and perhaps to make a few new ones.

That was not the first time someone told me that they received a sign from their loved one after they died.  I’ve heard stories of animals repeatedly showing up in yards, birds tapping on windows, roses blooming where no bush had been, and rainbows — lots of rainbows.

One of my favorite stories has to do with pennies.   It was told to me by a friend who has been living in Canada for the past ten years.  She explained that when she came home to Chicago for her father’s funeral, she overheard someone saying that if you find a coin on the ground, it means that a departed loved one is thinking of you.

A year or so later, still having a hard time coping with the loss of her father, she remembered what she had heard about the coins and found that it brought her some comfort.   She told me, “The idea of connecting with my dad again in some way suddenly made me feel better.  And sure enough, over the course of the next few weeks, I started finding pennies everywhere — but while it made me smile, I still didn’t think that it was a sign from my dad.   It was too coincidental and the pennies were found in places you might expect to find them; seat cushions, sidewalks and places like that.”

“Still,” she continued, “I tossed them in a little bowl on my dresser and said a silent ‘hello’ to my dad just the same.   Then one afternoon, I was having a particularly bad time of it; worrying about my mom and generally feeling sorry for myself.   Hoping to drown out the sound of my crying, I turned on the shopvac and began cleaning the garage floor.  I know I went over the entire area at least three times, so it came as quite a surprise to look down through my tear-filled eyes and spot the penny in the middle of the garage floor.”

“Finding the penny at that exact moment wasn’t what awed me,” she explained.  “It’s when I looked at it… then looked at every penny in the bowl… and realized that they were all U.S. pennies.  None of them were Canadian.”

As I said, I hear a lot of  these kinds of stories.   I don’t presume to be an expert on the subject, however, just because I’m a funeral director.  In fact, most of the time, I don’t quite know what to make of it.  What I do know is that when I hear these kinds of stories, when I see the joy on their faces and when I hear the emotions in their voices, I am certain of one thing:  that the spirit of our loved ones truly do live on in us

Traditionally, the choice is to send flowers.   Some people, however, feel that flowers do not get to be enjoyed for very long and that they are simply discarded after a service is done.  But in most cases, if the family does not take the flowers themselves, the funeral home delivers them to a local senior home or hospital where they are divided up and displayed throughout the facility or given to the residents or patients to enjoy.

More and more, people are inquiring about alternative ways to express sympathy to the family or to honour the deceased.  To help you make your decision, there are a number of factors you may wish to consider such as:  What was your relationship to the deceased?      If you were close to the deceased, perhaps you would want to do something to honour them in a way that reflected their personality or your relationship with them — make a donation to the Cubs Charities because you never missed an Opening Day together, or plant a tree in their name because of their devotion to nature.

You will also want to consider how close are you to the family and what their circumstances are.  If the deceased left behind several children, for example, it would be appropriate to make a monetary contribution to the family.  Or if you are not close to the family, sending a fruit basket would be a lovely and appropriate gesture.

There are, of course, a myriad of other options now available including:  sympathy gift baskets, garden stones, books, statues and artwork, jewelry, quilts, picture frames and a host of home and garden items to express sympathy, memorialize, honor or celebrate the life of the deceased.   Many of these items, however, are very personal in nature; so I would again suggest that you consider the relationship you have with the family.

If you are still unsure of what would be most appropriate, do not hesitate to ask the funeral director.  In many cases, they will already have a relationship with the family or have at least learned some details that would help guide you in making the best decision.  Most of all, remember that a gesture given out of love or thoughtfulness is still as sweet as any spray of roses could be.

Over the years, I have come to understand that a eulogy is about not only honoring the deceased, but also strengthening the connection with those who remain.  Remember that not everyone in the room had the same experiences you did with Uncle Walt.  What did he look like through your eyes?   What moments did you share that affected your life?   These personal snapshots add to everyone else’s scrapbook of emotions and often help connect us to each other in ways we might otherwise have overlooked.

As for preparing a eulogy, if you search the internet on the subject, you will get more than 3.7 million hits from experts and amateurs alike; and while I have not visited even a fraction of those sites, I can tell you from my experience as a funeral director that delivering a eulogy has less to do with following professionally written guidelines than it does following your heart.

A eulogy should be, after all, as unique as the person you are honoring, so for anyone thinking about running out to buy the book “101 Heartfelt Eulogies with Easy Fill-in-the-Blank Format”, you can put your wallets away.  I guarantee that nobody, especially the person who asked you to speak, wants to hear a Hallmark version of their loved one’s life.  They want to hear yours.

Being asked to give a eulogy is an honor and is, to some extent, a remarkable responsibility; so looking for guidance and wanting to be prepared is a good start.    While you are clicking through the googles of webpages, however, keep in mind that there is no one right way when it comes to giving a eulogy.  If you are normally someone who operates best when prepared, then drafting a formal copy, verifying facts and rehearsing your presentation in front of a mirror would probably work for you.   But if even thinking about your 4th grade oral report makes your palms start to sweat, you will probably do better with a semi-impromptu format; whereby you have gone over an outline of your speech in your head, but leave room for spontaneity during the delivery.   In either extreme or if you fall somewhere between, I have found that the most important component in any eulogy is Sincerity.

So whether or not you have advanced public speaking skills, whether you use notes, forget Aunt Millie’s name or are overcome with emotion and realize you have no tissues handy, what matters is that you keep it real.  Convey your love as best you can …and maybe invite everyone back to your place to set off some homemade firecrackers.

Along with the mundane, there are many significant details that must be taken care of; the settling of insurance policies, the management of legal affairs, the packing up and putting away and the tender phone calls of those who want to help.   Many of these details can be handled at your own pace, as you regain your strength as the days pass…. with the exception of one:  who’s been walking the dog?

Unlike many of the reminders that can be put away or put off until later, the ongoing care of your pet cannot.  And this is terrifically uplifting news!   Amidst all of the sadness and confusion you may be experiencing, someone still needs you and loves you and wants to be there for you.

Although taking over the care of your family pet may seem like yet another emotional responsibility to add to your list, consider this:  a pet’s love is unconditional, unlimited and non-judgmental.  It is easily reciprocated and provides great comfort and companionship in times of trial.

The incredible healing effects that pets have on humans has long been studied, which is why many dogs and sometimes cats are used in therapy programs in hospitals across North America and beyond.  Simply stroking and interacting with your pet has been proven to decrease depression and loneliness, particularly in the elderly; not to mention hypertension and other stress-related conditions!  There are even reported cases of children who refused to speak during typical therapy sessions, but began to speak once a dog was introduced to the environment.

Animals ask very little of us, yet offer an endless source of affection, devotion, entertainment, companionship and conversation.  I don’t think a cat has ever left the room because you talked his ears off.  And I doubt if a dog has ever complained about going out for a walk!  Which is why, if you are grieving the loss of a loved one and not currently sharing your home with a pet, this may be the “purrrfect” time to give adoption some serious consideration.  Hundreds of loving animals are available for adoption in your local area through the Humane Society.

Another wonderful thing about caring for your pet during the grieving process is that it brings routine back into our lives.  And this is a blessed thing, for routine can also bring with it a sense of normalcy and renew our purpose to carry on with our lives and move forward in the healing process.

One study conducted by Yale University and another by the Grief Recovery Institute in California recently demonstrated little or no evidence that the five-stage Kübler-Ross paradigm exists in today’s society.  And they’re not the only ones.  In the last five years, nearly one hundred books have been published on the subject of how humans are now coping with death and bereavement.

One such book, “The Other Side of Sadness:  What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After a Loss”,  was published in September 2009 by George Bonanno, professor of clinical psychology of Columbia University.   Bonanno’s book not only debunked the Kübler-Ross five-stage theory, but it concluded, based on two decades of rigorous scientific studies, that human beings have a natural resilience that directs us through our grief.   And while 10-15% of us have an extremely difficult time, most of us are able to manage our grief and function even after a period of two short weeks.  How does this translate into how families are planning and carrying out the funeral services?

The change from my perspective, as a funeral home owner/director, has been evident.  Traditional visitations are still the mainstay, but now more families are requesting unique, personal elements that are more celebratory in nature.  It is as if the funeral service is being embraced as a special family event or gathering, one where they are creating comforting memories to carry forward in their healing.   The grief and sadness are still there and obviously the circumstances of death are a factor, but it seems that creative expressions of love and honor are a fantastic tool in the healing process.

What kind of creative expressions have I seen?  Well, besides the customary photo/video montages and traditional ethnic ceremonies, families are now arranging for everything from balloon launches, web-casting of the services (or having them professionally videotaped), the releasing of doves, displays of hobbies and memorabilia (even a few antique automobiles) and color coordinated pall bearers, to name only a few.  And while most of these services do not bring in any revenues to the funeral home, the pay-off is huge in customer satisfaction.

Naturally, there are still many families who are more comfortable with the traditional approach of quiet grieving and reverence, but it is clear that for those who seek a more expressive farewell, they are doing so with gusto!

_________________

For specific reading recommendations on this subject, please post a comment and I will offer what suggestions I can based on your personal circumstances.

Yes, being around so much sorrow can be difficult sometimes and all the training in the world could never teach my heart how not to break for the families of a lost child.  But there are other things about being a funeral director that are also hard and that few people ever see — the other “things” I am referring to are the remains of people who have been cremated and left unclaimed by their families, now occupying the corner of my storage room, along with the corner of my mind.

I’m certainly not one to pass judgement on anybody.  There are a multitude of reasons why this happens: one sybling assumes the other took care of it; the deceased had no surviving relatives; families delay until they can agree on what to do with the remains; and occasionally, some people never reach the point of being able to fully deal with their loss.

From a legal perspective, Illinois only requires that the unclaimed remains be retained for 60 days before disposition, but I personally cannot dispose of someone’s ashes knowing that one day a relative or friend might walk into my funeral home asking after their loved one’s remains.   And even if no such person existed,  my professional and personal beliefs still compell me to honor the deceased in a more dignified manner.

There is not too much I can do in those cases where there are no surviving friends or relatives; or where a family has unintentionally let the situation get past them.  However, for those who have chosen to leave your loved one’s remains behind either because it is too hard to bear or because you do not think it matters, I would like to share with you something interesting I recently heard:  One of the top 10 remarks that doctors hear from their patients is, “I didn’t now how much pain I was in until it stopped hurting.”

I have seen the miracle of what final closure brings to an individual and to a family and I can tell you that many of these people did not know how much pain they were in until they took that final step in the healing process.  I might even go so far as to say that by claiming their loved one’s remains, they seemed to be reclaiming a bit of themselves.

I am not always told what plans people have for their loved one’s remains after they finally come to collect them; but I do know that an urn of ashes buried in the ground, scattered in the wind or sitting on my shelf is not a logistical issue.  It’s a psychological, spiritual, and emotional one…

In the future, you will find educational, inspirational and perhaps, on occasion, even entertaining content posted here.  We will try and avoid the usual brochure-esque sales talk and instead invite you to learn about the deeper social issues, as well as the ins and outs and ongoing changes of the industry from a “behind the scenes” vantage point.

While this is not intended to be a “support group” blog, we do invite you to send us your comments, questions, concerns and stories.  We will try and address each one earnestly using our knowledge and experience and in the process, perhaps achieve what is expressed in the words of the American author, Lloyd Alexander:  “At the end of knowledge, wisdom begins, and at the end of wisdom, there is not grief…but hope.”